Semester take away

    Well, the semester is just about over. The final class for seeing sideways is finished and I'm going to miss it. The best I can do at this point is to remember the lessons I received from the class and the assignments within, and use them as I continue on with my creative processes in life. For my last post pertaining to this class, I'll be discussing three points from this course that I'll be able to use while going forward in my creative career. I'll list them in ascending order of importance to me.

    First is "Polly Wolly doodle all the day?". I had never doodled before until this assignment. Whenever I would draw something, I would always have a clear idea in mind; so having an assignment where I'm not really supposed to think about what I'm drawing was a new concept to me. I found it to be a positive experience; actually coming a bit out of my shell for an assignment was a good experience. I might start trying to think outside my normal boundaries for when I get into a more professional setting while creating. It was one thing to think outside the box while doodling, but looking back on it was pretty nice too, I still don't think I'm much of a doodler, but I might try it again some time.

    Next is "Who am I and why am I here?". To this day, I have still not figured out the question for Who am I, but I'm keeping this assignment in mind so that I don't forget to keep trying to figure it out. This assignment affected me positively, and is one of the few assignments I've received in all of my school years that I actually appreciated doing. I don't have much additional to say about this that has not already been said in the actual blog post, but I'll keep searching for who I am as I continue through life. I hope that I can use the experiences while learning more about myself in my creative processes as well.

    Last and probably the most important was from "Fear". It can be very beneficial to talk about one's fears with another person. Through all the fears that I discussed in class, I'm not sure if I mentioned in the blog on how I can use those fears to my advantage rather than just as a detriment. If anything, I think I can use my fears as a constant reminder of what can happen if I don't try my best in everything I do. If I think of it this way, I'll those possibilities as a reason to never give up my goals. I can't be afraid of trying something for fear of failing, because I'll automatically fail if I never try in the first place. That's probably what stuck out to me for that assignment the most, just the idea of being able to use something as powerful as my own fears to actually aid me instead of harm me. With summer and a new semester around the corner, I have plenty of time to see if a new method using my fears to my benefit will work, and I really hope it does.

    I'm definitely looking forward to the semester being over, but I'll definitely miss the classes I'm taking for this semester. I hope that the rest of my college time goes nicely.

Class take away 16

    Today we discussed our "Altared" Book. Since Beth was still down in New Mexico, we decided to record all the presentations to send to her so she could grade them. I'm not used to getting recorded while presenting things, but I think it went pretty well.

    We had some students create things out of their books, using their books, and inspired things from their books. I altered the book to match a couple traits about myself, including my protective side; I sealed the pages of the book together to keep the outside world safe from reading it. Overall, I just want to turn it into something that I would actually like when looking at it, instead of the original book that made me hate it. At the end of it, I actually find some enjoyment in this new book I've altered, so I consider that a success.

    There were a lot of other students presenting too, but I'll admit that I did not pay attention as well as I wish I had. I was up until 5:30 in the morning working on three finals for that day, then woke up really early as well, so I was pretty tired.

    Near the end of class, we took some picture of the whole class with a cake that Jake brought in. I may have mis-heard it from the class before, but I thought we were going to be doing something with sending candy to Beth with another cake, but I don't remember if we actually did that or not, but I did bring Smarties for it.

    It was nice fun class to end the semester on.

Class take away 14

    I have purposely decided not to write this post for the assigned time because of what I have to say. I did write it down on my laptop immediately after class, but did not want to put it online. I know that this means that I will take a deduction in points, but I would rather take that than to have this message be read too early. I did not like the class we had last week. It will be uploaded just minutes before the final class ends.

When creating something, always keep the word “Predictable” in mind. Avoid cliche things, create my own formula of doing something that other people have not done before. Cliche photos are out of control.

One student devoted an entire week to changing what he normally does to address his fears

At the end, Jake talked about something that was really tough for him to do just this morning, which took a lot of courage to do.

He also showed us pictures of his work, he’s a sculptor and he seems to do it pretty well, creating life sized pieces.

We were then show a video of a man who creates art only through ten keys on an old fashioned typewriter. He has a disability that doesn’t allow him to make art with pencils or brushes, but he still found a way. What we learned from this is that we should not say “I could never do that.” because that asks the question, “What can I do?”. It's one thing to see a good artist, but to have them say things like that is just really nice to see these days.

Jake talked about one student and how his fear assignment was of outstanding quality, above everyone else’s. He talked about this quite frequently after his presentation was complete, and gave me an impression that he didn’t think that anyone else really tried compared to him or didn’t sacrifice as much as he did, I think he actually said something along those lines as well. I did not particularly enjoy how much he went on and on about it, I took a risk of being arrested for the way I dressed to push my fear assignment beyond being just an assignment, and to use it to learn just how powerful fears are in my life. I showed a lot of my true feelings and emotions, and even talked in my normal voice which never sees the public. Not only did I have to force myself out my apartment door for fear of revealing the design of a character I’ve worked on for almost 10 years in secrecy, but then I had to take that design into the school of Media Arts & Science, where I knew that everyone there could be a potential storyteller who might get inspired to make an evil villain out of a design I made to be that of an unusual hero. While in class, someone took a picture of me in my costume If my design turns into a villain before I make it as the hero I've dreamed about, I'm going to be lost. After all he had said about just one person’s assignment and how he didn’t think anyone else sacrificed nearly as much, I felt as though I had completely failed in my assignment, which happens to be one of my greatest fears. I know that the student did indeed make tough sacrifices to do his project, and I give him enormous props for it. His project was very well thought out and covered many important topics. I would have been fine with Jake saying that his project was very well thought out and there must have been a lot of sacrifice. Was his project the best? I don't think so. Was mine the best? I have no idea, probably not. But to give off an impression that nobody else sacrificed or risked anywhere near the amount that he did was a bit unfair to everyone who did make a huge sacrifice or take a big risk in making the project. Talking about personal information, revealing bold or even weird fears, and even taking risks with the simpleness of how they showed up to class; I may not have made a big sacrifice for the fear assignment, but nobody knows how much I feel like I risked to just walk in the door and take off my mask. I took a big risk with a bit of sacrifice today, to potentially sacrifice almost everything I've worked for in the past 10 years in exchange for a grade and getting myself outside of the walls I put up for myself. If somewhere down the line it turns out that my big risk turned into a major sacrifice, I'll look back on that time and say that it's my worst and biggest regret, and I'll probably think of it that way for the rest of my life. 

I just said a whole lot about something that everyone else in the class might not have thought of as a big deal, but it was to me. Normally I don’t like to talk about the small things that people say (not necessarily to me) that might discourage me, but this was so stupid that I felt like I needed to say something about it. I'm not a teacher, I have no experience being a teacher, and I doubt that I will ever teach professionally; but I wouldn't ever make such a point out of one students work to say that nobody else risked or sacrificed as much as previously said student, that's assuming way too much and is playing the favorites game. I honestly feel like I'm taking this out of proportion, but despite the fact that I normally stay very reserved, don't like to talk about things that bug me, and don't really like to give criticism, this was too much for me to keep inside.

Overall, I did not like this class, I almost want to say that I hated it, but that's too strong. Despite everything I risked to make it, I feel as though I failed my Fear assignment.

This is it. The "Altared" Book of the Self

    Well, it’s finally time; time to submit my Altared Book of the Self. It’s been quite a journey this semester and is probably the toughest semester I’ve had in all my years of school, before and during college. For a bit of recap as to what the Altared book assignment is, We are all to take a book that we do not like (putting it very nicely) and “altar” it to make it into something that we do like. We are allowed to alter it in any way that has some kind of positive expression of ourselves. The alteration should also answer the question “What is identity of self in the digital world?” As inspiration with ideas to use while creating it, we can use the experiences we got from all our previous assignments for things to add in our alterations. We also had an assignment earlier to have the cover of the book complete, which did help with time management.

    One quick note to add, I absolutely hate the book I chose. I have not said the name of it yet, but all will be revealed in time, no spoilers.

     Let’s begin with the inspirations I got from my past assignments in chronological order: starting with The Egg and Eye. I decided that I wanted to protect others from reading the book, something that was not done for me back in high school, so I sealed it shut. This also ties in with The flavor of a sand pear sounds like… in which the fruit is basically a outpouring of resistance that does not want to be eaten. The flesh and juice of the pear is blood red, so I combined these two assignments into one example for the book. I dyed some glue to look as blood red as possible and sealed the pages of the book shut. What I did for the egg was that I protected it in a box with cushions inside it. Combining these two, I am protecting the outside world from it, using a deterring barrier to keep it sealed.

In Polly Wolly doodle all the day? I didn’t necessarily create a specific example for it in the book, but I used the example to think about what the book might say about me at first glance. It has a lot of blue color on it, but has been sealed with red glue. To be honest, I’m still not sure what it will say about me, but I’m not too concerned with what people think about me based on an altered book. Don’t get me wrong, I have turned the book into something that I like now, but I prefer to let my words say what needs to be said about me rather than a book I didn’t write, even though I did alter it.

    For Rules were made… I think that coloring the glue red might be something similar to a rule being broken. If that doesn’t cut it, all the trouble and mistakes that I had while trying to glue it shut should be enough. Anything with wet dye typically becomes a big mess, so parts of my covers look like they have red finger prints. I broke my own rules for this one; I didn’t want any red to be on the covers.

For Bible dipping, we were given the word “reused”, and that’s how the cover of my book got created. I reused the cover of the book to turn it into something that I could like about it. Because when the book has its own natural cover, it’s the cover to a book that I despise. But after randomly using the word “reused” it is something that I like.

    For “Who am I and why am I here”, I used it as inspiration while making this book. It was one of the few assignments over my entire time of school that I really enjoyed, and I wanted to make something for this assignment that I could enjoy just as much. As of right now, I did kind of enjoy creating this altered book, but I enjoy the fact that I turned something that I despise into something that I actually like.

    For “You’ve got this covered!”, that happened to be the actual assignment for making the cover of the book. Since that was already done, I altered the spine of the book a bit more to resemble the cover.

   For “Media round robin”, this assignment helped to work on two classes at the same time. The actual process wouldn’t help me much with the altered book, but I did think of a way that the altered book can apply to two problems at the same time. For one, it can provide a way turn something I don’t like into something that I can enjoy at least a little bit. Two, it settles the need for the assignment. Three, I just thought it was a bit fun.

 
    For “Bliss”, the altered assignment itself is to make something bad become something good. This ties in well with the bliss assignment, as it turned something that I would never ever find blissful, into something that I could actually look back on and think of in a good way.

 
    “Fear Factor”. I don’t know what people will think of me when they see this book. I’m worried about failing this assignment. I’m worried about what I might discover about myself some time down the road after looking back on this book. I’m also worried if there was some way that this assignment might affect me negatively now, for the future. These might be strange things to fear, but I always consider my fears and the risks when I do anything.

    And now we are back to the “Altared” Book of the Self. I’ll answer the question “What is identity of self in the digital world?” I drew a small picture on a note card, and put it on the inside back cover of my book. The picture is of a person, but there are no facial features, no clothes, it’s completely filled with black. The way I see it, self in the digital world does not really have a complete appearance. In a digital world, our physical appearances do not usually become apparent, unless by an actual picture of ones self. It would seem as though we create our own self in the real world and in the digital world, but both are at least slightly different. We can decide on an identity for ourselves in the digital world, but not even that decision needs to be permanent. It’s easy to get or create a new image for ourselves in a digital sense, but much harder in the real world sense. Given the fact that it’s easy, it means that we have more of a freedom to change it whenever we desire. If we can change it whenever we desire, then what is an actual good representation of the identity of self in the digital world? To me, it’s a blank slate, a basis that can be formed whenever and however. It may be simple, but that’s what the identity of self in the digital world is to me.

    By the way, the book is Peace like a River, by Leif Enger. It hurt me to say the name of that book and the author just now. If you asked me why I hate it, I honestly could not give you the answer. I just remember that I hated the book so much, that I purged all my memories of it soon after reading it. It was a required book for a high school english class, and I passed the class but probably failed the assignments based on this book. The description of the book talks about it being a spiritual journey, which kind of surprises me on how I must of thought it was bad back then, considering that I am and was religious at the time while reading this book. Either way, the fact remains the same, I personally think that I would have spent too much on that book if I had paid for it with my own crap. I know, toilet humor can be gross, but I need a laugh of any kind with finals week starting.

    I don’t think I’ll ever have a class like this again, which makes these last few lines bittersweet. On the bright side, I can take everything I’ve learned in this class and apply it to all aspects of my life, and make my own experiences with the new perspective. I really wish Beth Lykins could have been around for the Fear assignment as well as the last class, but life happens, we all have experience with that. I might keep posting to this blog, but I’m not completely sure. So until next time, always try to look at things from a different perspective, what lies behind the first appearance might be surprising.

Class take away 13

    I talked about some of the things that scare me most, to people that I hardly know or really trust. Not only did I do that, I wore a costume that naturally gives people some sense of fear just looking at it. I feel like I took a lot of risks in class yesterday, but I just had a feeling as though I really needed to go through with it.

    I know that I couldn't actually walk into the school with the full costume on, because I did the same thing last semester (for extra credit in a class) and almost had the police called on me. I did not do anything wrong nor plan to, but my costume apparently gave off a suspicion that I was going to do something bad. So before entering class, I made sure to keep the mask off and went in as usual, talked with a few classmates and basically did normal stuff. I took my usual seat which is right in front of the door, and the majority of the class walked in before class started. When class was beginning and Jacob started talking about how we would present our Fear assignment, I put on the mask and assumed the different personality than I usually have in class. After the mask was on, I noticed some people were staring at me, one person took a picture, and it basically seemed as though nobody knew who I was. I remember thinking to myself, It's almost as though they never saw me walk through the door, even though I'm seated right in front of the door. After a bit of talking, Jacob asked if I wanted to start us off today, for a reason something like, "Because I'm definitely scared of you at the moment." He said it in a joking manner and I did find it funny, but I didn't laugh or even move in a way that would hint that I would. Plus, I felt like I wanted to go first just so I could be finished for it, talking about my fears isn't something I like to do.

    I began talking about my fears and how they affect my life, expectations, feelings, ect. I made sure to speak loud enough that everyone could hear me through my mask, it was kind of hard to keep doing consistently, but I made it through. I'm not sure if my voice sounded forced or not, but I did not try to make it sound that way. While I was answering questions from Jacob about certain things, a few people would laugh every now and then when I responded. I'm not quite sure how to take it; whether to think it was good to get a few laughs out of a very serious situation, or whether to think of it not to be good since I was being completely serious with my answers. I feel as though it may have been the way that I answered the questions, short and straight to the point without a pause in between them, but I really don't know. During the time I noted it, but didn't think anything of it until later when I took the mask off. When I was finished talking and describing how fears work in my life, the room seemed very silent. I kind of wondered why everyone was so quiet when I finished. Was it that I set the mood to be really serious and nobody wanted to add any input to it? I did mention that I normally don't like to talk much, but that I "put on" a different personality when I go out in public that would say otherwise. I didn't want that to be confused with anyone thinking that I don't like to make friends, I really do like making friends, but normally I'm very quiet and don't go out just to meet people. Whether this reason or another was behind everyone being silent, we were all silent for a while either way. Jacob asked who I was so that he could write down the name for some notes he was taking on everyone's assignment and mentioned that he did not know who I was while I had the mask on. I assume that most of the rest of the class did not know who I was either, despite it being my usual seat and that my seat is right in front of the door to class where everyone sees me at least once when they walk in or out.

    At the break in the middle of class, I took my mask off. The reason for keeping it on for half and off for another half was for a few reasons: one was to get a sense for the class while I was myself compared to how I normally see it, another was to see the different actions by my classmates while wearing the mask as opposed to not wearing it, and the last reason for it was because part of the mask was getting a bit tight and I wanted a break from it. There was a pretty big difference in how people acted in class with the mask on or off, mainly the number of looks I got while wearing it. It makes sense though, if someone wears a mask in a place where most people normally don't, the masked person tends to get a lot of looks or stares. None of it bothered me, but I did keep note of it. After my mask was off, my personality changed to how it normally is in class, and I went on listening to other students presentations while still paying attention to reactions. The conclusion, there were some initial reactions while I was taking the mask off, but after that there was nothing at all. It was probably because I became a normal person and nothing really interesting, but there was such a noticeable difference. It's as if I went from something to nobody. I do like wearing the mask, it kind of gives me a new perspective on things, which is something we try to do in Seeing Sideways.

    After it was all finished, I'm not quite sure what to think about the experience. It was kind of nice to get my fears out in a way of speaking, but I'm not sure if I really liked it overall. Granted, wearing a costume with a mask was the best part of the assignment, I'm not sure if I got any enjoyment talking about my fears. I think it's possibly a good idea to talk about them, but not to a class of people that I may or may not ever see again. This is just my opinion, and I'm sure it's great for some people to talk to strangers about, but I'm a bit less enthusiastic than that. It's a really good idea to have assignments where we can actually think about our fears and how they affect us, but I personally didn't get much enjoyment or feeling as though I had taken a burden off my shoulders after presenting it.

    Overall, parts of the class were enjoyable while others weren't, but I liked it.

Fear

What makes me fearful?

Let me begin instead with a few things that do not make me fearful. I don’t think I have any actual phobias anymore. I don’t really look at anything and feel an instant sense of fear and not wanting anything to do with it. I think that when I was younger I may have had arachnophobia, a fear of spiders, but I’ve had experiences since that time which would say that I’ve overcome it. Another thing I don’t fear is people. While I do occasionally fear what people may think of me or rejection, I don’t fear anyone for who they are or what they can do. This fear as well as the next could be faulty to a point that perhaps I do not fear them enough to be more cautious of them. I’m not a reckless person, and I do exercise caution, but I don’t let fear control what I decide to do. The next fear is the fear of death. This is one of the most common fears that people have, and it’s not as if I have nothing to live for, but that I’ve accepted that someday I will die, there’s no avoiding that. I also have to thank my religious beliefs for not fearing dying anymore, I believe that after I die, I’ll be going to a better place as long as I keep doing everything I can to be good. I’m definitely not in a rush to die, it will happen when it’s my time. I also believe that God expects certain things for me to do, along with keeping my beliefs, so while I don’t want to die until it’s my time, I don’t fear it either. I’ve had a few near death experiences in my lifetime, but I only feared the first one, and I have not feared it since.

            Refocusing back to what I do fear, first it’s a few common ones: Fears of failure, rejection, and maybe public speaking. I say maybe for public speaking because I don’t like to publicly speak, unless I have time to prepare for it. If I prepare for it in advance, the fear is gone. With the fear of failure, this is a pretty common one. I…Really… don’t want to fail in life. This is a hard fear for me to cope with, even harder than it was for me to stop fearing death. I don’t want to fail people who rely on me, I don’t want to fail God, I don’t want to fail while pursuing my dreams, there are just so many things that I’m very fearful about failing. I’m not only worried about failing whatever job I get into or ideas that I create, but I’m worried about failing to even reach that position. I want to write stories for visual mediums, the window of opportunity for getting a job in that field is smaller than one of my eyes, and probably even tougher to get into without connections. I actually freeze up sometimes when I think about how tough this choice might be, but I need to go for it. I know that trying to do this means that I’ll either make it or break down into nothing. I have a backup plan of studying 3D modeling and animation, but what if I fail that? Even if I pass through college with flying colors, but fail at getting a job or keeping it, I’ll basically fail everyone I’ve ever talked to or ever known, I might even fail God. I know failure is a necessary obstacle to reach success, but it brings up the question: How far can we fail before it gets out of hand?

            Rejection kind of goes hand in hand with failing to me: If I or my ideas are rejected, I’ve failed. I used to have another part of rejection that I feared, rejection from other people, but I’ve learned to get over that as time went on. While I do like being accepted by people, I don’t usually let that govern how I am as a person, though it kind of does. I don’t really like to talk unless it’s something that needs to be said. I feel as though I need to put on another personality while in public just to be at least half accepted by others. I don’t change either personality for people, but know that everyone has different opinions, and that it’s completely impossible to please everyone. The kind of rejection I really fear is having my ideas rejected outright. I have three main ideas that I want to spend a lot of time working on, two of which are extremely important to me. I can definitely think of other ideas for production, but if I can’t work on those ideas because they’ve been rejected, after all the time I’ll be spending to get into the business, I feel as though I will have completely failed again and I’ll truly be useless. A short side fear, the feeling of being completely useless. It’s not that great of a fear to me, but I just don’t want to be useless.

            These fears sometimes manifest as a blockade against me. They’re not phobias to me, but are more along the lines of anxiety and worries. I notice these fears in ways that just really get me down sometimes. I can be having a great day, but if I think about the problems that the future might hold, I definitely feel a sinking feeling. I do a good job to put on a mask to disguise the fact that I fear certain things, but the fact remains, I fear. Sometimes these feelings keep me from taking risks, I feel like I need to be so careful or risk doing something stupid and ruining my chances of ever succeeding in the pursuit of my ultimate goals. This kind of ties into how I am trying to learn to use these fears to my advantage; though sometimes, it’s hard to look at the bright side. I use these fears to keep myself in check of what I say and do, just to make sure that I don’t do something too risky or stupid. I also use it in a way that I know I need to try my best in everything my do, because there is a purpose for everything, and it’s because of that reason that I’ll always do my best wherever I can. I definitely feel as though fear affects my life in a creative sense, I feel as though I have to limit myself sometimes to stay realistic. As mentioned before, these fears take the form of a blockade. They can either be a blockade to protect me from certain choices, or the blockade that prevents me from moving forward.

            In the end, making a project about fear does in fact provoke all of these mentioned fears. Will it be rejected by the audience? The instructor? Will I completely fail it? Will I speak correctly while presenting my fears to a bunch of people in my class? Will the idea I made for the presentation scare the class? I don’t know the answers to any of these questions, but I feel like actually saying something about a topic like this could be beneficial to me as well. Believe me, I’m extremely worried about this assignment and I’m not sure how it’s going to work out. But like the fears I have with my ultimate goals, I just have to go forward and try my best.

    

Bliss

Ah, the Bliss exercise. How very nice it is, as well as how very nice it makes me feel. Having times where I am able to just play or think are so nice. I like playing video games and I like to just think about certain ideas of mine. During this block of time that we are to spend out of class, I’ll enjoy such a time of bliss in a time of really needing to do stuff for school, just a bit of a break would be nice. A few conditions that are needed to make sure I stay in a blissful mood are as follows: I need to not think about anything serious, have fun, do some good thinking about things I want to think about, and overall just stop feeling worried and anxious about stuff. I’m going to keep this rather short, since doing homework does not keep me blissful. I’ve never really heard of an assignment where we’re just supposed to take some time to do stuff that we want to do, so this was very refreshing and it’s pretty enjoyable.

After completing the Bliss exercise, I compiled some obstacles and “what if” questions to follow them up:

1.      I’m afraid of talking about my fears

a.       What if I find a reason(s) to dismiss my fears?

b.      What if I try to convince myself that it can be beneficial to talk about fears?

c.       What if I just went for it just to see how it goes this one time, then decide forever more if I’ll ever do it again?

2.      I’m afraid of talking too much about my fears when I actually do

a.       What if I just decide to say only what needs to be said?

b.      What if I plan out whatever items are needed and try to weed out any fluff?

3.      I feel like I need to be really careful about what I say

a.       What if I thought about the class as a safe(er) environment?

b.      What if I plan out what I’m going to say, as in a speech form?

c.       What if I just decide not to care about what I say? (not going to happen)

4.      I don’t really want people to know what my fears are

a.       What if I change the subject of my fears to something away from the deep ones?

b.      What if I be careful to not say too much during class?

5.      Normally I don’t really worry about what people think of me. But when it comes to talking about a subject like fears, I actually am worried about what people will think.

a.       What if I try to go back to a mindset where I don’t worry about it?

I know I’m short on questions, but I can’t think of anything else.