I talked about some of the things that scare me most, to people that I hardly know or really trust. Not only did I do that, I wore a costume that naturally gives people some sense of fear just looking at it. I feel like I took a lot of risks in class yesterday, but I just had a feeling as though I really needed to go through with it.
I know that I couldn't actually walk into the school with the full costume on, because I did the same thing last semester (for extra credit in a class) and almost had the police called on me. I did not do anything wrong nor plan to, but my costume apparently gave off a suspicion that I was going to do something bad. So before entering class, I made sure to keep the mask off and went in as usual, talked with a few classmates and basically did normal stuff. I took my usual seat which is right in front of the door, and the majority of the class walked in before class started. When class was beginning and Jacob started talking about how we would present our Fear assignment, I put on the mask and assumed the different personality than I usually have in class. After the mask was on, I noticed some people were staring at me, one person took a picture, and it basically seemed as though nobody knew who I was. I remember thinking to myself, It's almost as though they never saw me walk through the door, even though I'm seated right in front of the door. After a bit of talking, Jacob asked if I wanted to start us off today, for a reason something like, "Because I'm definitely scared of you at the moment." He said it in a joking manner and I did find it funny, but I didn't laugh or even move in a way that would hint that I would. Plus, I felt like I wanted to go first just so I could be finished for it, talking about my fears isn't something I like to do.
I began talking about my fears and how they affect my life, expectations, feelings, ect. I made sure to speak loud enough that everyone could hear me through my mask, it was kind of hard to keep doing consistently, but I made it through. I'm not sure if my voice sounded forced or not, but I did not try to make it sound that way. While I was answering questions from Jacob about certain things, a few people would laugh every now and then when I responded. I'm not quite sure how to take it; whether to think it was good to get a few laughs out of a very serious situation, or whether to think of it not to be good since I was being completely serious with my answers. I feel as though it may have been the way that I answered the questions, short and straight to the point without a pause in between them, but I really don't know. During the time I noted it, but didn't think anything of it until later when I took the mask off. When I was finished talking and describing how fears work in my life, the room seemed very silent. I kind of wondered why everyone was so quiet when I finished. Was it that I set the mood to be really serious and nobody wanted to add any input to it? I did mention that I normally don't like to talk much, but that I "put on" a different personality when I go out in public that would say otherwise. I didn't want that to be confused with anyone thinking that I don't like to make friends, I really do like making friends, but normally I'm very quiet and don't go out just to meet people. Whether this reason or another was behind everyone being silent, we were all silent for a while either way. Jacob asked who I was so that he could write down the name for some notes he was taking on everyone's assignment and mentioned that he did not know who I was while I had the mask on. I assume that most of the rest of the class did not know who I was either, despite it being my usual seat and that my seat is right in front of the door to class where everyone sees me at least once when they walk in or out.
At the break in the middle of class, I took my mask off. The reason for keeping it on for half and off for another half was for a few reasons: one was to get a sense for the class while I was myself compared to how I normally see it, another was to see the different actions by my classmates while wearing the mask as opposed to not wearing it, and the last reason for it was because part of the mask was getting a bit tight and I wanted a break from it. There was a pretty big difference in how people acted in class with the mask on or off, mainly the number of looks I got while wearing it. It makes sense though, if someone wears a mask in a place where most people normally don't, the masked person tends to get a lot of looks or stares. None of it bothered me, but I did keep note of it. After my mask was off, my personality changed to how it normally is in class, and I went on listening to other students presentations while still paying attention to reactions. The conclusion, there were some initial reactions while I was taking the mask off, but after that there was nothing at all. It was probably because I became a normal person and nothing really interesting, but there was such a noticeable difference. It's as if I went from something to nobody. I do like wearing the mask, it kind of gives me a new perspective on things, which is something we try to do in Seeing Sideways.
After it was all finished, I'm not quite sure what to think about the experience. It was kind of nice to get my fears out in a way of speaking, but I'm not sure if I really liked it overall. Granted, wearing a costume with a mask was the best part of the assignment, I'm not sure if I got any enjoyment talking about my fears. I think it's possibly a good idea to talk about them, but not to a class of people that I may or may not ever see again. This is just my opinion, and I'm sure it's great for some people to talk to strangers about, but I'm a bit less enthusiastic than that. It's a really good idea to have assignments where we can actually think about our fears and how they affect us, but I personally didn't get much enjoyment or feeling as though I had taken a burden off my shoulders after presenting it.
Overall, parts of the class were enjoyable while others weren't, but I liked it.
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